Here I am, too much has unfolded last week. Exhuasted I am, I really am. Yet what can I do? What to do? What can be done? I ponder as I lay restless, wincing at life mving past me.
Dealing with issues beyond my comprehension-- a dear friend in trouble, and essentially stuck in a war trying to strike a balance with myself, making peace with I. What am I reducing myself to? Where am I leading to? How can I find the way up this never-ending abyss, a concoction of despair, inferiority, superiority, disdain, contempt, desperation, insecurity, and pure woes. Each day I strive to make it better, in attempt, yet, I know, I'm not going anywhere.
My mind has never felt so fogged up, inability to think, with clarity. And the constant worrying of being judged, of being viewed as weird, different, abnormal. Where am I regressing to? High school woes all over again? I need to stop and refocus. All is not the end.
And what I am doing now. Something that feels so inherently against each bit of me, an infringement of my soul and the very values I believe in, or at least presume to believe in. I hate it. I need to shed this adolescent skin and breath in fresh air. I need to spread my wings and venture, with fortitude, into the unknown. Embrace uncertainty, judgement, and just being new. Gravitate myself back to being the person I wish to be. Sometimes I wonder why I simply jump back into the old phase. I've broken free from such, why am I turning back again?
Be myself.
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