shed

Here's a quote I came across this on my momentum homepage

"You cannot start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one." 

- Michael McMillan 

For long I've been yet again, falling back into the pit I've painstakingly clambered out of, and yet unknowingly, I simply roll back into the pit yet again. For a long time, I've been feeling as if my mind's clouded immensely, unable to think clearly (yes I've mentioned this loads of times and will do so again, cos it's a horrid feeling -- feeling mentally inapt to think, to articulate thoughts, to express the very fleeting idea and develop them, just like grasping fluttery dragonflies by the tail and.. doing something about it later on). Having the clarity of thought, the fortitude to latch on to an idea, and have the courage to brood over and extend it to various cognizant areas, this is the autonomy of the mind that nobody can have control over. 

"Beneath this mask there is more than flesh. Beneath this mask there is an idea, Mr. Creedy, and ideas are bulletproof. "

-V from V for Vendetta

I've always admired people with novelty; the ability to create something new, any form, be it prose, music, art, movements and dances (I needa read up on the arts definitely). The ability to break out of the mold and blaze their individuality, it's really marvellous. And just yeah, soothing to the soul. Like what a friend said, a really creative strong-headed friend said, everything can be art, each word that you articulate, it represents you as a person, an emblem of who you are as a person, an identity. And (well she's definitely on the artistic side, talented person) though many contends that the art is useless, lacking utility in mankind (if you think about technical advancement, yes), it's what the human soul needs. Solace, comfort, resolution, and its not what hard concrete facts, evidence can present to us. We are humans with a need for satiation, for knowing that we are not alone, that we are understood and related. (This is the stem of loneliness in many cases) And its the arts that touch the very core of our soul, beyond the consciousness and the blatant. It's the arts, that tingle your subconsciousness, allowing you to actualise and to decipher your human psyche, and to define yourself for what truly resonates with your very soul.

Another thing, identity. Who are you? What makes you truly you? What are you constructed of? Way beneath your appearance, what constitutes you as a person? Is it the way you behave? Your reaction to issues? Your interests and dislikes too? A recent saddening incident sparked my thinking, of what constitutes one's existence. If you were to cease existence someday, what will be remembered of you? Amidst my insecurities and worries, this incident has alluded to who I should pave myself to be as a person. Tata for now my feeble mind is malfunctioning under fatigue. There's loads to be done but for now I'm glad a part of me is rejuvenated, as if I've recollected a part of me that has long drifted away. Things happen and they make you think, to be introspective. Scrutinize life and learn from the many things that allude from it. Unravel the thread of wisdom.

Tata for now.  

 Michael McMillan

at standstill

Here I am, too much has unfolded last week. Exhuasted I am, I really am. Yet what can I do? What to do? What can be done? I ponder as I lay restless, wincing at life mving past me.


Dealing with issues beyond my comprehension-- a dear friend in trouble, and essentially stuck in a war trying to strike a balance with myself, making peace with I. What am I reducing myself to? Where am I leading to? How can I find the way up this never-ending abyss, a concoction of despair, inferiority, superiority, disdain, contempt, desperation, insecurity, and pure woes. Each day I strive to make it better, in attempt, yet, I know, I'm not going anywhere.

My mind has never felt so fogged up, inability to think, with clarity. And the constant worrying of being judged, of being viewed as weird, different, abnormal. Where am I regressing to? High school woes all over again? I need to stop and refocus. All is not the end.

And what I am doing now. Something that feels so inherently against each bit of me, an infringement of my soul and the very values I believe in, or at least presume to believe in. I hate it. I need to shed this adolescent skin and breath in fresh air. I need to spread my wings and venture, with fortitude, into the unknown. Embrace uncertainty, judgement, and just being new. Gravitate myself back to being the person I wish to be. Sometimes I wonder why I simply jump back into the old phase. I've broken free from such, why am I turning back again?

Be myself.

residual

I thought things would have died down, feelings faded, nothing else. Yet unknowingly, things never ended, I guess? Contradicted I am, part of me hoping to be back there again, yet begrudgingly things needa move on, and well, I need to be in time (and digressing slightly, on time). It seems as if I'm still trapped in the past, relishing the old times, though everything has just whisked past me like a wave and here I am, standing strenched in accumulated regrets and linger. I need to move on.

delightedly overwhelmed

words just don't come naturally when I want them to, at least not as compared to the past. Is this a sign of deterioration?? I need to write daily, or attempt to.

I've been overwhelmed with deadlines, meetings (exciting projects coming up!! Especially planning of a one-day forum to which the person in-charge has not replied me back though :( ) and mainly just the feeble attempt to catch up with work. I do appreciate the company of these people and while I have definitely grown more extroverted (though I still have sudden irrational times where I feel like curling myself up in a ball in my room and avoid human contact haha) it's important to attained a balance between being yourself among all the social interaction. Sometime I feel as if I'm losing myself, who am I?? Who am I? 24601! Jk heh.

Rushing deadlines, sigh I needa get my schedule on track!

tata.