suppressed

its the time of the year again. Perhaps more often than the time of the year, given that there's many pressing moments yearly that focuses me to focus on accounting and basically plunk myself down to mug this distasteful subject. It's not that I have anything against accountancy (perhaps an understatement), but as an idealist who sees meaning in doing things, I think to not be able to see the fulfillment, satisfaction of this subject, to not see any viable way in which this subject will value-add my life as a person, I don't really see myself having the strength and perseverance to push through these few years of university. Don't bother with me cos half the time I'm just emotionally driven and impulse enough to make such statements. Rarely, things bug me to the extent that I have much to say, or possibly, this might just be the tip of the iceberg. However it just pains me, how me and fellow friends, people, nameless faces, shadows amongst the sea of people, having to put through this course. Perhaps it's just solely me, doesnt really matter. What matters is how this subject, instead of encouraing intellectual freedom, self-creation, and just diversity and vibrancy of the mind, and all these lustful whimsical stuff that accountancy can definitely not provide, I'm left with the need to conform to rules, methodologies, and just pure memorising cold hard facts and systems, that given a few years more, may not even cease to be in implementation. This is how much I dread accountancy. Mental imprisonment. Despite the fact that they have this nuance on professional decision making, ethical judgement, and so on, bottom line owing to the nature of accountancy is: it's just conforming the malleable impressionable, yet creative mind to conform to these little self-constructed methods that we have to miserably put up with. 

Yet the thought of changing my major still persists. And yet, I don't have the actual guts to make the move. Talk about being practical, professional, the upbringing and parental influence have been too pervasive to the extent of entrapping. I really hate how the notion of being afraid of failure, inducing me to take on safe alternatives, is entrapping me from being myself. Creation, innovation, ingenuity, these are values that I increasingly understand and appreciate with the time I study accountancy. Yet I'm programmed to circumvent failure, and just simply take the safe route. Yet is the safer route always the best? Where's exploring and smelling the roses along the way? Perhaps it's the nature of life that has drained all the vibrancy that we presumably have had. Before the practicality and pragmaticsm of life have taken away our soul, leaving us bare and stricken of life and just about anything that sustains us. Instead we are put together in this horrid cycle that is just functionally driven. What I mean: graduate, get a stable decent pay, run a family, that's it. And further indoctrinate such thoughts into our offsprings, killing the little human in them since the beginning, and basically hoping they adopt safe routes and be risk-adverse and just basically follow our footsteps/ desired dreams. Folly. 

I can't really fault anyone. Given that perhaps in our parents' generation, security and stability, (since every family has a different experience and tale to tell), are the the prime values that we seek of a job. Functionality. Passion and all others that make us human, they are secondary, left to be pursued through rare precious times to recharge, what we term a past-time.

Rant is not over. Will never be. While I fight my battle with accountancy (lol such a dramatic basic bitch), I'll champion my mind, how the little human in me will never dull. And how no matter what environment I'm put in, I'll push on and continue to bloom and grow to the best of my ability, not just these plainful yet strong weeds that we see growing amidst horrid conditions and cement buildings. I'll also ace this thing, accountancy, while make sure that it does not consume me, just occupying this little corner of my brain. 

Hang in there pal. 

Thanks. 

residual

There's always residuals in life. How emotions, experiences, memories, sensations, movement always have residual to them, how there's always this fine delicate subdued line between the fleeting of such intangibles. And yet, these residuals, all have the potential to reignite and revive the lingering disappearing feeling, pulling back all the past emotions and experiences you have felt before.

Recently some happenings made me feel that way, happenings specifically  how past previously bygone emotions, sensations, came overwhelmingly I must say, pouring back. It's as if time has never passed between us, and that the old relics of the past have come back, the familiarity of these tenuous emotions, the rollercoaster ride's worth of emotions that I've been put through. On a good note, it was an alright conversation, with hearty laughter (well more on your part lol, while I acted nonchalantly) and just some brief surface talks on life and how time has passed since then. If only we had more time to interact in our own space, if only. Yet I'm glad that I was able to be still and calm, being able to suppress my nerves, tangled in jitters deep down, yet a strong facade upfront.

I'm simply resigned and nonchalant about things now. Tired of the inertia of life that is pulling me back (I love physics back in high school but lol look at the poor use of concepts here)... Anws, good to know you are fine and well I'll be aight too. Soon.

And here marks the end of reading week! Some freak incident occurred this week that got me hospitalized, though it's not something to declare out loud. Here I am, resigned and a sad sod. ._. Apprehensive of the future, the near future, which is my days of finals next week. F. M. L.