Polksa 2017

It's been an extremely eye-opening trip, more than what I've hope to get out of this volunteering programme, and far exceeded my expectations on some parts, yet well I thought I could have done more (eg. spend more time shopping at Zara, Mango, and even visit an outlet store if I could). Ok kid me not, that's just my basic mindless shop-craze self coming to live, after being suppressed while at my stay in the villages.

Thoughts are still stirring in my head, building on top of each other, but at least I know now what I hope to have in the future. Well things that are too personal to be shared on such domain.
For now, just enjoy the pictures that I have now

may life be like this: standing strong like the dandelion even though you know in seconds, you're gonna be terrorized by Iga and her yanking off your seeds and just scattering them in the air,directionless. Well troubles and turmoil bring you to new destinations, so here's a way of looking at Iga's callous seed-dispersing. 

realised I like taking pictures of such style: a window grill foreshadowing the landscape. Snapped a similar picture in Himeji Castle too, lovely.

And whatever happens, just think of the goal you had intended, and it will act as your lighthouse when you are lost in the mist, path uncertain, and just feeling hopeless af. 

Czesch,

Vivienne 

a dew of the sun

The sun. Yes I'm not joking. The sun. The first dew of sun that hits the light. The first beam of ray that surfaces you.

Life, thoughts, they're of no boundaries. The world is your canvas, the world, your olyster.

I should not be holding in thoughts, trying to have a model answer to everything. Nothing is truly permanent, nothing that will stand forever. All these notions, people, personality, perhaps they'll eventually fade in time, with time, and all that remains is the idea that they stand for.

What I aim to retain is the skill, the tool, the acts of trying to delve into these. Stop clinging to fixed notions, and look wide ahead. A different angle might help, tilt your head. And stop managing your perception of people. And just embrace the challenge each time, carving your own road out each time. Stop having the mentality to rely on something permanent, something fixed. Nothing is actually so.

Tata. :)

a new beginning

Hmm. Just comfort as I slouch in my couch on a lazy Sunday afternoon. People are already moving in into the place and I'm still here, slothing my way through (note to self: not the way to maneuver through this new sem pls).
Last sem has been life-changing, given me a taste of how the next few years can be, and how all's just within this grasp to get stuff done. Enriching yes, and an eye-opener, given the many experiences I've had/ heard of. While I wouldnt say its pleasant, it's definite a huge liberation from JC. I hated JC - the school, the nature of the environment, people, and how I felt entrapped in this system, yet I wouldnt exactly say i hate it entirely. I did, through rough times, realize how lucky I was to have these gems in life that I can fall back on (well most of the time it's me whining to them, yes, I am whiny). And though I never felt this particular strong attachment to the class, perhaps the inherent dynamic and personalities there, I do say I did enjoy all the fun stuff that we did together, be it planned or spontaneous. JC was probably a bad shelter, shelter nonetheless.

Entering this sem really got me stepping out of my comfort zone. Trying out new things, taking on a new attitude towards learning, and just challenging myself with stuff that I've never done so. I mean, I've got to really do things that I've never thought of, or bothered to, such as designing posters! How fun is that??

And yup being in a new environment, though I still would prefer comfort. Comfort never truly exists does it? It's more of familiarity, which might not necessarily mean comfort. Predictability, routine, yes, but you'll never know what you can be unless you try it out. And heyy I just got back from my fas writing class, not as bad as I thought it would be! the prof seems like one cool dude, hopefully a fun module, and one i can score.

Anws here's a toast to a sem's worth of writing, reading (yes, loads of readings, read and grasp them fast and sharply) and learning about the world, expanding my horizons in every way (that's one of the reaons why I join usp I guess), and just basically being a more grounded secure individual too. Yaz yaz.

Cheers,
Vivienne

suppressed

its the time of the year again. Perhaps more often than the time of the year, given that there's many pressing moments yearly that focuses me to focus on accounting and basically plunk myself down to mug this distasteful subject. It's not that I have anything against accountancy (perhaps an understatement), but as an idealist who sees meaning in doing things, I think to not be able to see the fulfillment, satisfaction of this subject, to not see any viable way in which this subject will value-add my life as a person, I don't really see myself having the strength and perseverance to push through these few years of university. Don't bother with me cos half the time I'm just emotionally driven and impulse enough to make such statements. Rarely, things bug me to the extent that I have much to say, or possibly, this might just be the tip of the iceberg. However it just pains me, how me and fellow friends, people, nameless faces, shadows amongst the sea of people, having to put through this course. Perhaps it's just solely me, doesnt really matter. What matters is how this subject, instead of encouraing intellectual freedom, self-creation, and just diversity and vibrancy of the mind, and all these lustful whimsical stuff that accountancy can definitely not provide, I'm left with the need to conform to rules, methodologies, and just pure memorising cold hard facts and systems, that given a few years more, may not even cease to be in implementation. This is how much I dread accountancy. Mental imprisonment. Despite the fact that they have this nuance on professional decision making, ethical judgement, and so on, bottom line owing to the nature of accountancy is: it's just conforming the malleable impressionable, yet creative mind to conform to these little self-constructed methods that we have to miserably put up with. 

Yet the thought of changing my major still persists. And yet, I don't have the actual guts to make the move. Talk about being practical, professional, the upbringing and parental influence have been too pervasive to the extent of entrapping. I really hate how the notion of being afraid of failure, inducing me to take on safe alternatives, is entrapping me from being myself. Creation, innovation, ingenuity, these are values that I increasingly understand and appreciate with the time I study accountancy. Yet I'm programmed to circumvent failure, and just simply take the safe route. Yet is the safer route always the best? Where's exploring and smelling the roses along the way? Perhaps it's the nature of life that has drained all the vibrancy that we presumably have had. Before the practicality and pragmaticsm of life have taken away our soul, leaving us bare and stricken of life and just about anything that sustains us. Instead we are put together in this horrid cycle that is just functionally driven. What I mean: graduate, get a stable decent pay, run a family, that's it. And further indoctrinate such thoughts into our offsprings, killing the little human in them since the beginning, and basically hoping they adopt safe routes and be risk-adverse and just basically follow our footsteps/ desired dreams. Folly. 

I can't really fault anyone. Given that perhaps in our parents' generation, security and stability, (since every family has a different experience and tale to tell), are the the prime values that we seek of a job. Functionality. Passion and all others that make us human, they are secondary, left to be pursued through rare precious times to recharge, what we term a past-time.

Rant is not over. Will never be. While I fight my battle with accountancy (lol such a dramatic basic bitch), I'll champion my mind, how the little human in me will never dull. And how no matter what environment I'm put in, I'll push on and continue to bloom and grow to the best of my ability, not just these plainful yet strong weeds that we see growing amidst horrid conditions and cement buildings. I'll also ace this thing, accountancy, while make sure that it does not consume me, just occupying this little corner of my brain. 

Hang in there pal. 

Thanks. 

residual

There's always residuals in life. How emotions, experiences, memories, sensations, movement always have residual to them, how there's always this fine delicate subdued line between the fleeting of such intangibles. And yet, these residuals, all have the potential to reignite and revive the lingering disappearing feeling, pulling back all the past emotions and experiences you have felt before.

Recently some happenings made me feel that way, happenings specifically  how past previously bygone emotions, sensations, came overwhelmingly I must say, pouring back. It's as if time has never passed between us, and that the old relics of the past have come back, the familiarity of these tenuous emotions, the rollercoaster ride's worth of emotions that I've been put through. On a good note, it was an alright conversation, with hearty laughter (well more on your part lol, while I acted nonchalantly) and just some brief surface talks on life and how time has passed since then. If only we had more time to interact in our own space, if only. Yet I'm glad that I was able to be still and calm, being able to suppress my nerves, tangled in jitters deep down, yet a strong facade upfront.

I'm simply resigned and nonchalant about things now. Tired of the inertia of life that is pulling me back (I love physics back in high school but lol look at the poor use of concepts here)... Anws, good to know you are fine and well I'll be aight too. Soon.

And here marks the end of reading week! Some freak incident occurred this week that got me hospitalized, though it's not something to declare out loud. Here I am, resigned and a sad sod. ._. Apprehensive of the future, the near future, which is my days of finals next week. F. M. L.

shed

Here's a quote I came across this on my momentum homepage

"You cannot start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one." 

- Michael McMillan 

For long I've been yet again, falling back into the pit I've painstakingly clambered out of, and yet unknowingly, I simply roll back into the pit yet again. For a long time, I've been feeling as if my mind's clouded immensely, unable to think clearly (yes I've mentioned this loads of times and will do so again, cos it's a horrid feeling -- feeling mentally inapt to think, to articulate thoughts, to express the very fleeting idea and develop them, just like grasping fluttery dragonflies by the tail and.. doing something about it later on). Having the clarity of thought, the fortitude to latch on to an idea, and have the courage to brood over and extend it to various cognizant areas, this is the autonomy of the mind that nobody can have control over. 

"Beneath this mask there is more than flesh. Beneath this mask there is an idea, Mr. Creedy, and ideas are bulletproof. "

-V from V for Vendetta

I've always admired people with novelty; the ability to create something new, any form, be it prose, music, art, movements and dances (I needa read up on the arts definitely). The ability to break out of the mold and blaze their individuality, it's really marvellous. And just yeah, soothing to the soul. Like what a friend said, a really creative strong-headed friend said, everything can be art, each word that you articulate, it represents you as a person, an emblem of who you are as a person, an identity. And (well she's definitely on the artistic side, talented person) though many contends that the art is useless, lacking utility in mankind (if you think about technical advancement, yes), it's what the human soul needs. Solace, comfort, resolution, and its not what hard concrete facts, evidence can present to us. We are humans with a need for satiation, for knowing that we are not alone, that we are understood and related. (This is the stem of loneliness in many cases) And its the arts that touch the very core of our soul, beyond the consciousness and the blatant. It's the arts, that tingle your subconsciousness, allowing you to actualise and to decipher your human psyche, and to define yourself for what truly resonates with your very soul.

Another thing, identity. Who are you? What makes you truly you? What are you constructed of? Way beneath your appearance, what constitutes you as a person? Is it the way you behave? Your reaction to issues? Your interests and dislikes too? A recent saddening incident sparked my thinking, of what constitutes one's existence. If you were to cease existence someday, what will be remembered of you? Amidst my insecurities and worries, this incident has alluded to who I should pave myself to be as a person. Tata for now my feeble mind is malfunctioning under fatigue. There's loads to be done but for now I'm glad a part of me is rejuvenated, as if I've recollected a part of me that has long drifted away. Things happen and they make you think, to be introspective. Scrutinize life and learn from the many things that allude from it. Unravel the thread of wisdom.

Tata for now.  

 Michael McMillan

at standstill

Here I am, too much has unfolded last week. Exhuasted I am, I really am. Yet what can I do? What to do? What can be done? I ponder as I lay restless, wincing at life mving past me.


Dealing with issues beyond my comprehension-- a dear friend in trouble, and essentially stuck in a war trying to strike a balance with myself, making peace with I. What am I reducing myself to? Where am I leading to? How can I find the way up this never-ending abyss, a concoction of despair, inferiority, superiority, disdain, contempt, desperation, insecurity, and pure woes. Each day I strive to make it better, in attempt, yet, I know, I'm not going anywhere.

My mind has never felt so fogged up, inability to think, with clarity. And the constant worrying of being judged, of being viewed as weird, different, abnormal. Where am I regressing to? High school woes all over again? I need to stop and refocus. All is not the end.

And what I am doing now. Something that feels so inherently against each bit of me, an infringement of my soul and the very values I believe in, or at least presume to believe in. I hate it. I need to shed this adolescent skin and breath in fresh air. I need to spread my wings and venture, with fortitude, into the unknown. Embrace uncertainty, judgement, and just being new. Gravitate myself back to being the person I wish to be. Sometimes I wonder why I simply jump back into the old phase. I've broken free from such, why am I turning back again?

Be myself.